By - Forward_Science416
Honestly…at this point a clean break up might be needed. It’s your boundaries and whether your partner doing something, it should be out of his free will and based on respect for you. I can see that it’s not just pure friendship but also attraction involved. You two need to really talk it out and see where you’re standing. A “break” is always vague term. Another person can feel like they’re single again as there’s no rules or commitments “anymore”
We were on a strictly exclusive break.
I think the issue was that he wanted to break up, but I wanted to work on things, and going on a break was him saying he needs space and time to reset emotionally and mentally so he can decide if he even wants to stay with me and do the work before we jump in and start doing it.
Even though they got close and he now likes her, he did decide he wants to do the work with me (initially he actually broke up with me at the end of the break, but then he came back a week later), so now it’s just this problem that exists because we’re still living apart and he is still there and sees her occasionally at friend group stuff
He was never in love with you to begin with. Nothing in this post screams he cherishes you and is a wonderful partner. You’re latching on to him for dear life. If a man truly loved you, he would not put himself in the position to lose you. He wanted to break up. He didn’t want to make it “work.” That is evidenced by him filling up his time with another woman. Where is your self-esteem, you’re going to wait around for a man to decide about you? He came back for his own selfish reasons. This sounds harsh, but sometimes I’d appreciate a reality check too
Why are you letting him treat you this way? He literally has feelings for someone else what is there to work out exactly after he broke up with you?
The advice you got is already great. I want to clarify that you and your BF both need to stop framing this as you being uncomfortable with them being friends, that's not the issue and it sounds like both of you know it's not (does SHE know that btw?). You're uncomfortable because he (very possibly on purpose) jumped headfirst into this "friendship" with another woman as a replacement for you and (again possibly on purpose) started to fall in love with her.
THAT is what you're uncomfortable with, and that is the reason why. If he told his friend you were trying to get him to stop being friends then he lied. The reality is they are already not "being friends" if even one of them is falling in love and hoping for more than that.
The tricky thing here is that you are putting yourself in the role of his parent, telling him what he can and can’t do. That’s a recipe for resentment and an unhappy relationship longer-term.
You say it’s a boundary for you; this isn’t what boundaries are. A boundary isn’t a demand you make of someone else, it’s a limit you put on what YOU will do and what you will accept. So, if you don’t trust him to manage his life and his friendships, you need to decide if it’s a relationship you want to pursue. You don’t indicate here how long you were together before the break?
It’s been like 4 years
4 years is a long time. You can’t save/fix/ rescue him. The fact that you’re not willing to walk away isn’t because of “love.” Your self worth is low. As an AA you likely have codependent traits for sure. codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.
People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. One can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building your self-concept outside of and apart from others. To be able to have healthy, mutually loving relationships, we need to be able to put the parts of our brain seeking safety at ease by cultivating that security within ourselves, rather than externally. IF you put his needs/wants above your own, then it would self abandonment.
Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the usually anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little – and they would be right. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined.
How do you see this relationship progressing? Do you feel loved/ valued/ appreciated? Do you have common goals as a couple?
Ask yourself: what would need to happen to “be ready” to leave? How much more should I put up with? For how much longer?
Sticking around in such a situation will not make it magically better. Words are just words until they are backed up by actions. What actions has he given you to show he his words are serious?
If anything, please consider seeing a therapist to help you with these issues.
Maybe look up sunk-cost fallacy. Knowing when to walk away is vital. Reasoning that cuz you have been together 4yrs is a reason to keep putting up with this behavior is not logic. It doesn’t help anything - only hurts you more. Why put yourself through more pain? You are worth more than what he was to offer you. If he really wanted to work on things his actions would have been different leading up to now.
Personally I think it’s possible the only reason he came back to you after breaking up at the end of the break was cuz this new “friend” rejected his advances/feelings. So now he is trying to keep both of you two in his life and see which one will bend to his will. Grant you this is speculation but it is very curious what truly made him change his mind a week after breaking up with you cuz he had feelings for someone else.
I hope you find your self worth and protect your heart from further pain.
Thank you. We do see a therapist and I think we’ve been making steps in the right direction, but I need to make the decision that if his actions continue to not align with his ‘intention’ or promises, it’s over
4 years is a fairly long-term relationship; do you feel like the issues leading to the break have been resolved?
Why do you want to be with someone who purposefully got close to another woman. Why do you want to be with a man who has feelings for someone else? What you permit, you promote. Cut your losses and be with someone who is passionate and willing to put in the work to have a great relationship. It seems like all he did during this break was latch onto someone else. There’s nothing for you to feel “guilty” about.
don’t let your sympathy for their situation descend into sacrificing yourself. Always be mindful of what your own boundaries are in a relationship and what you require to make you happy. If there is something you need, communicate and be prepared to stick to it. Be conscious that regular avoidant behaviours may be activating a lack of safety and fear of abandonment in you, which can make it hard to relax and see the relationship objectively.
What we accept in a relationship is a measure of what we think we deserve deep down. So own what you want and desire – you start maximising opportunities for yourself when you say no to things that aren’t that. It is ok to declare that you want to be with someone who has an ongoing and deepening connection to you. If someone is just giving you crumbs ('breadcrumbing') they are not feeling good enough in themselves to be able to give what a relationship requires. Hurt people hurt people. Nothing on the outside will change how they feel on the inside - a person can’t be ready to give love if they aren’t fully sourcing it from within.
I agree — OP, it seems like he can’t be on his own, even for only a month, if he is already trying to even “platonically” hit up another woman. At the very least, he’s emotionally unavailable even to himself and it sounds like you have to do all the heavy lifting anyway.
Also why not have a guy friend around esp in the home gym? Why would he decide a woman was a smart companion during a break? He’s old enough to not to depend on validation from others and know boundaries. You shouldn’t feel guilty because he crossed them. He should feel apologetic for making you feel less then.
Anytime I’ve been invited to a guy’s house to watch tv one on one, it’s not a friendship hangout. Even if nothing happens, the guy knows he’s building intimacy for the future.
Thanks, appreciate the comment
OP You're not the bad guy, and its fine to request safety ,via loyal behaviour, from a long term partner (4 years you said). Its up to them to say "yes" or "no", and he said "yes" . Whether he honors this agreement, or not, is in his hands, but I would say both your friend and partner would totally get the need for loyalty in this situation, and prefer to have it themselves. Its very relatable.
Please note, you are technically being triangulated with another woman (even if it is unintentional) and the urge to "fight for him" can blind you to larger issues, such as his lying and other Avoidant behaviours. Try to focus on the real issues as much as you can, and don't let this distract you too much.
Yes, by introducing another woman albeit platonically while admitting feelings, he’s just casually cruel in the name of being honest as Taylor swift says. Is he in therapy? Is he working on his avoidant behavior?
Love Taylor swift; the lyrics in many of her songs are so wise and experienced in the ways of avoidants imo.
People, this is why if you're going to take a "break" you set clear definitions about what's allowed / not allowed, and talk through the intentions or outcome you hope for from the break.
OP, why would you give any more time to a guy that chose to basically pursue someone else while you were on a break instead of taking the time to look inward and decide if you and the relationship was worth fighting for? At this point, I guarantee that you'll always be wondering about them if they remain friends. Have some self-esteem and move on.
If he’s an avoidant they have looser morals, more infidelity. Not making this up. Posted several articles on this. So no matter what you do, he’s still gonna hit her up. Just block and be blessed.
Assuming they weren’t getting along, now after a month he already has feelings for another women and invested time with someone else, instead of working on himself or trying to figure out how to approach the current relationship with OP, these are all bad signs!!
Yeah, OP, u/Forward_Science416 , the fact that he was able to develop feelings for someone so quickly — not just attraction but hmm maybe I have feelings means his idea of connection is very surface level regardless. My ex literally dumped me suddenly after 3.5 years because we had just gone long distance and he couldn’t be alone (plus I suspect he cheated). He immediately hopped into a new relationship a few days after our closure call — not just dating but literally a serious relationship — and that tells me he doesn’t value actual connection but just the impression of it. Because you don’t develop serious feelings that quickly. I’ve been dating someone for two months and I don’t have “feelings” yet.
Even if their connection is suspicious, I’d rather, in your case, not date someone like your partner who could so easily just fall under the whim of something new and shiny and think it’s a legitimate feeling when it’s literally … attraction. It just tells me he’s probably emotionally immature and can’t really bring any depth to an adult relationship right now until he grows up a bit more.
I don’t think it’s so nice to generalize like this.
Just because statistically crime is higher in people of a certain race, does that mean it’s okay to say ‘this race of people are criminals’?
Go date an avoidant and come back to me
Literally am right now lol
Insert Game of thrones meme: “I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.”
Jesus just reading your post gives me stomach ache. I hope you manage to sort this out and have an outcome that gives you peace :(