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Try clear IOIs first like making eye contact AND a smile. But an approach isnāt as difficult as it seems once you do it. Make a compliment about their appearance and just suggest the idea of grabbing coffee. The pain of regret is 100x worse than the potential minuscule pain of rejection.
That's actually very good advice, thank you! Sometimes though, I've found guys can be more "traditional" minded, and think the girl is too dominating if she makes the first move. Obviously, depends on the guy, but it's hard to judge sometimes.
> think the girl is too dominating if she makes the first move.
God help them when they find out women actually have agency over their bodies and suggest going somewhere different for a date.
Same on both statements. But itās kind of an adrenaline rush. Even if they say they have a gf, Iām like cool, now let me find a mountain to move haha.
No. They mean that they've built up so much adrenaline from working themselves up to ask, they now need to burn it off by moving a mountain, running a marathon, etc. If the person was single and agreed to the date the adrenaline would burn off normally as an introvert pretending to be an extrovert on a date to not seem boring.
I think they just mean they need to find an outlet for all the adrenaline they have coursing through their system because asking someone out got them so wound up.
Noānot at all. But doing anything outside of my comfort zone (especially something thatās more extroverted by nature) creates a bit of a rush of adrenaline for me. So even if they say no for whatever reason, Iām still high on the adrenaline.
An introvert can be very outgoing and talkative.
What makes me an introvert is that I recharge myself by doing a solo activity afterwards. I still love crowds and loud music and noisy bars.
I agree, thatās why I said that. Because so many people say āIām an introvertā when they mean āI have anxiety when around people I donāt knowā
Exactly. Unfortunately most people don't know the difference. My goto examples anytime this comes up is late night show host Stephen Colbert and actress Emma Watson are both self-identified (even professionally identified on the show in the case of Colbert) as introverts.
But thereās also people who are shy who think they are introverted but arenāt just that they need to get out of their shell. I used to be so shy people thought I was introverted, I started thinking so to. Overcame my shyness and realized Iām the furthest thing from being introverted
As an introvert I read it and understand it as my vivid inner world has explored every single possible outcome a hundred times over.
I tend to over analyze everything and knowing that my brain will go into overdrive analyzing everything if I asked a woman out, I didn't know, scares me.
And NO I dont have social anxiety, I'm just very bad at small talk and getting to know people.
I like being social and actively choose to spend the energy to be outgoing sometimes. Knowing all too well that I'll pay the price in the coming days.
Hi friend... I am like 50/50 introverted, and it terrifies me too. Im a guy...
I married the girl that decided to tell me how she feels about me. (it didnt work out after 9 years, but still... I will always remember her as the one that took a chance on me).
Thereās not such thing as 50/50 introverted as the intro/extroverted classification is about how you draw energy for social situations. If you were 50% of both you would constantly feel drained by being alone and being with people.
What I think you probably mean is that youāre a social introvert with a little bit of anxiety.
Damn thatās crazy how you can be so confidently wrong while also sounding so pretentious. Ambiverts and omniverts exist and are both examples of when people can show introverted and extroverted tendencies. The 50/50 introversion isnāt like stats in a video game where itās present all the time, constantly adding or subtracting energy. You can have introverted and extroverted tendencies at different times but over the aggregate of a persons life be around 50/50.
you are probably right, but the thing is, I feel drained after socializing, but I like socializing. I LOVE being alone, but I also hate it.
Hard for me to explain myself I guess.
Hmmm.... let me think, let me think.....since "male introverts" are included under the general "introverts" genre previously mentioned... i would guess... also freaking terrified?
Never said it wasnt hard for dudes too, chill out lol. Asking anyone out is like facing a charging battalion with war horses while you trot forward all alone on a shaky donkey. Its brutal.
Lmao dude why are your defenses up when you're not even being attacked?
But not letting it get to you is a good policy, I'll try to keep it in mind. Thanks for the advice! š
I (26F) asked a guy out and he said yes! Weāve gone on a date and gotten dinner. He says heās an introvert and a little awkward, so I guess itās good I made a move because Iām not sure he would have! I do wish he would initiate conversations more though lol
Its probably a comfort thing. The more he gets comfy the more he will open up, and he probably will shock you with how much he wants to talk to you lol that's my guess
Yep this is true. I had a friend once tell me she thought I hated her because I barely talked, but truth be told when thereās another person I let them carry the conversation more and honestly tend to be straight answers, wait till heās comfy, youāll have great convos and most likely will explore deep topics
Well thatās the interesting thing! We have great conversations. He asks me questions and talks a good deal in person. Itās just he barely texts me first. I worry itās an out of sight, out of mind thing. But hopefully itās what youāre saying and he gets more comfy with me
On the first date, he paid for dinner! That evening, I paid for movie tickets and then he paid for the arcade. We werenāt planning to do two activities, but the movie sucked so we left early.
We split the cost of dinner the second time. He was going to pay, but I didnāt want him to feel I was taking advantage of him.
Slowly? We donāt talk every day and I usually initiate conversation. First date was right before Christmas, then he had covid for a while, and we just got dinner again last week. We have discussed doing other stuff like rock climbing, but havenāt put a date on it.
Bouldering is great fun and there's a really nice compromise between being active and time where you can get to know each other since you spend quite some time on the mat to recover for the next try.
I recently had a first date at the bouldering gym and it went really well. I have been bouldering consistently (2-3 times a week) for some time and it was the first time for her, so I tried my best to help her out a bit, although the height difference made it a bit hard to really give good tips :D
That sounds like you had a really nice date! It's funny you say that, I've gone rock climbing maybe 3 times my entire life. I don't think he's gone that much, but he hikes and had climbed before. Also he's a foot taller than me, so same kind of thing here haha
Yeah it was quite cute and I'm happy that she also had fun with it, I'm seeing her again next week on Friday, although I might see if she is up for a spontaneous coffee date tomorrow if I myself have some free time :)
No kiss. He asked if he could hug me at the end of the first date and then we mutually hugged after the second dinner. Is that also a date? I feel like it counts as much as a date as the first one.
Some background, we worked together for almost two years, so we've known each other in a professional and friendly setting for a while. I recently started a new job, after which I asked if he wanted to go on a date.
Hahaha, the same as mine. Hugs as always. You didn't ask him out while you worked together because you thought it was unprofessional? Why didn't he ask you out? Not sure if the second time that you went out for dinner is a date. Just see how it goes.
So we both started in the same position, but he got promoted to my manager after a few months of me working there (he had started a year ahead of me). So I didnāt think it would be a good look to ask him out even though weāre only a year apart age-wise. I assume something similar for him, if he was even thinking of me as a dating prospect.
Yeah the second dinner was very last minute! I was out by our old office for a business dinner for my new job, but that got cancelled, so I messaged him about two hours prior if he wanted to get dinner since I was still out that way and I wasnāt sure if he was in office. He was teleworking, but drove over to meet me. It was all very impromptu
Hey I enjoyed reading your stories, I'm really happy for you that it's going well! That sounds like a really nice outcome to you asking him out anyway. I hope it continues to go well and that you can take it at a good pace or be okay with it if it does go slow!
Your comments initually caught my eye because I recently asked out a former co-worker too. I think he had no idea I was interested in him, he seemed pleasantly surprised that I was asking him out! We had two really enjoyable dates, there was definitely mutual attraction, but then he told me he couldn't see me any more without giving a clear reason. I imagine it was because I'm moving away really soon and he realized that it couldn't go anywhere very easily, so it was just easier to stop while he was ahead so to speak. I can't blame him one bit for that (though ideally he would have explained himself, but he's just a kind of guarded person). I knew when I first asked him out that it would probably not go anywhere either, but he was just such a cool person and I wanted to spend time with him. I'm so glad I got to have those dates with him even if we don't talk again.
One girl that I randomly DM'd sometimes on insta decided to get my number... then she would start texting me often. She would text me once a week, if not more "hey, how are you?"... I feel like she got the idea that I am not interested, because she stopped after a month or two.
I felt bad for ever DM'ing her on insta, because I wasnt interested... I just wanted to comment on some things she would post.
I wonder if she was hoping for me to ask her out or something.
Yeah us men are kind of oblivious. At least the straight ones. Frequently, when my girlfriend and I go out with friends itās to a gay bar. And she loves to laugh at the end of the night at the amount of gay men who crane their neck to check me out. I never notice a thing.
(I fit a type in the gay community for sure. Iām chubby with muscles and a firefighter type mustache. Iām not oblivious to the fact that gay men find me attractive. I just never notice them checking me out.)
Iām the same way with gay women. Mostly because Iāve had a lot of gay women approach me. lol I think because I have a mean look/intimidating maybe rbf, that drives men away, so they assume I must be gay as well.
Solid advise. It's 2023, and dating isn't the same as it was before 2000. The "traditional" way to do things is outdated. It shouldn't matter if you're a man or woman. If you like someone, ask them out. Worst that's gonna happen is they say no, best that can happen is you either make a new friend or something more.
Rejection sucks but it is better to know than constantly wonder.
Guys get flirted with all the time by girls who think itās all in good fun. We ask the girl out, she acts horrified or embarrassed, we feel stupid, and society just expects us to relive this cruel joke over and over again until we find one that likes us. And if that doesnāt work out, we repeat the process again. Ladies, if you like a man just tell him. If he sees you flirting with other people, even once, heās going to decide that heās just another guy youāre having fun with and wonāt put himself out there. Just sayinā. As long as this is the system, you get what you get.
The only thing i wanna say about this, and yall not gonna like it, us women we wont fuck someone we dont like just to fuck. But many men will fuck you even if they dont like you fr. So if you make yourself avail to them just make sure they match your energy
Thats why u hear men say stuff like sex is like pizza even if its bad its still pizza.
Jussssst sayin
Exactly š
A woman asking out a man is more likely to get a āyesā - but mostly just for a shot at easy sex or curiosity.
As a woman looking for romance, courtship and commitment, that avenue has never worked for me š¤·āāļø
But.. isnāt it the same thing if a man you are attracted to asks you out too? You gotta judge either way if heās in it for the long term or loooking for just short term sex right?
The trick. ladies, is to let this guy, man, think HE is the one who initiates.
So, be and stay around him. When he looks at you, smile. Be easy approchable. Ask him something you think he knows an answer on it and or start a conversation about anything, like the music in that bar. Or the trafic on that place. The weather today, yesterday and last week and ... When he gets some confidence (stay nice and with a smile to him) and he asks something to do or to be together, do it, accept it. Complain about your bike, the chain too long. At least when you think he knows how to fix things like this. Together it must succeed. You can thank him for his great help by inviting him to your famous pancake or cappuccino at your place. Or something else. Be creative !! Good luck!
The funniest thing I ever experienced was a woman which I just knew from a distance who asked me to fix a very little thing in her place. Then she said she invited 3 female friends for the night but they called they would not come, and now she had a problem, she had 3 steaks and no fridge too much (student around 1960 -1965) Look, that are the problems I love to solve ... And from food we came to other primary needs (look at Maslow hierarchy of needs)
I definitely know women who have and will fuck guys they donāt like just to have sex. It may not be as common as with men but it still happens often.
Bc the dude is supa hot .in which case its different many men are down for just a hookup. What man is gonna go oh no she fucked me coz im hot not bc she likes my personality. Woman will be more hurt if she realizes hes fucking her just coz he sees her as a hole & not coz hes rlly feeling her when she wants something more
But a man will fuck u whether he thinks youre attractive or not. And if youre a woman approaching a guy to ask for a relationship i just think its worth considering that if he doesnt show the same energy its coz hes only there for the free punani
If u approach a guy and youre down w it just being physical then obviously it doesnt apply to that situation thats not the situation i meant
Most men will not fuck a woman they find unattractive lmao, itās just the men that will try to do it a lot.
> What man is gonna go oh no she fucked me coz im hot not bc she likes my personality.
Probably a guy that actually liked her and wanted something more lmao?
This is it ā Iām a very confident, forthright person. But all thatās ever gotten me in dating is relationships with guys who are just not that into me but kept up the bare minimum to keep having sex.
Yuuuup a lot of people in this thread aren't taking this into account there are a lot of crappy men you gotta go through to get to the good ones unfortunately. But learning these motives will be a good idea.
( by the way you gotta go through a lot of crappy woman as well and I've met them! ) but finding a long term partner has never been easy for both genders.
Hate to be bearer of bad news, but men REALLY need to stop hoping that a woman will approach them and ask them out. Most women are naturally passive so even though you are reading comments here on this thread from women saying that they "approve this message" or "they will try it out", very good chances that they will NOT be the ones approaching men ever.
Men... if you see a woman and you are intrigued by her... go up to her and talk to her. Yes, you need to stop twiddling your fingers and leaning against the wall at the club. Go after what you want.
The point OP is making is that women should STOP being passive.
You canāt complain or whine that you arenāt getting what you want when you just sit there and expect it to *poof*, randomly appear. That goes for all things in life, including dating. And yes, even if youāre a woman.
Women donāt *need* to go after men, so they wonāt. Women get hit on enough just day to day. They donāt need to ask someone out to āshoot their shot.ā Either their shots line themselves up, or theyāre not in line.
That may be true, but there some woman I know who complain like āwhy isnāt anyone asking me out? I put so much effort into dressing up and looking beautiful?ā. In such scenarios, they should just go for it instead of constantly stare at guys and make them feel uncomfortable
True or put themselves out there more like a dating app or just going to more places, make friends, or just focus on themselves while theyāre single. People shouldnāt be so desperate for a relationship anyway
That's fine with me. I'd rather be alone that put myself through the dehumanizing rat race of modern dating.
>something about approaching women at a club
Why would you look for anything besides a ONS at a club?
i pretty much never hit on anyone in public when i was single bc āØanxietyāØbut when i *did* my go-to was giving their coworker a piece of paper with my number on it before i leave. it makes it far less awkward for all parties involved and makes it easier for the other person to reject you if theyāre uncomfortable.
Honestly as a guy, a girl wouldn't have to ask me out. Simply saying hi is more than plenty. We get ignored a lot when we try (at least me). Basically antagonism from other girls for trying wears on you a little and influences you trying again on other girls.
The issue isnāt that, itās just that I feel every time Iāve done that, itās resulted in the guy not being as interested in me. My best relationships were the ones where the guy approached me first
Disagree. Sure, we can all do it in a literal sense. The reality is, it is not advantageous to us 85% of the time:. Why? The guy may say yes without real, true intent of wanting a relationship with you. They will view you as easy (again, not 100% of the time, but most).
If the woman is doing the asking it also serves to reason she could ask someone she has met before, gotten to know and have a reasonable sense of who they are and what they are looking for. Men who are more forward are more likely to be after sex versus a relationship, where men you get to know and have genuine interest in, hopefully are more interested in relationships.
If not you may want to re-examine your process.
But.. isnāt it the same thing if a man you are attracted to asks you out too? You gotta judge either way if heās in it for the long term or loooking for just short term sex right?
I've done this but I don't ask out anymore I just flirt and if he reciprocated we can go from there I can tell how when a guy likes me or doesn't.
I used to ask out guys in the past and I no longer do that anymore.
I've mentioned it in the comments above but my uncle was the one who sat me down and explained to me why guys see it as desperate and things like that at least where I'm from. He was right though years later I met a guy and he asked me out ( of course after we got to know each other) my uncle said I needed to meet someone who is bold and a go getter someone who was like me who's sees what be wants and knows it. My boyfriend is exactly that he was never a shy person got along with everyone and extremely outgoing so when he saw me he knew what he wanted. The guys that I asked out did bare minimum and didn't really appreciate me at all as a person and just tossed me side. Which im fine I've gotten rejected a bunch of times by men both harshly and terribly even had a guy throw a pencil at me and steal my books mutiple times in my case they used it against me especially when I was in school.
But anyways for me my boyfriend was the one that asked me out and he is very intentive and puts a lot of thought in things that I like or even some things he knows I don't like.
To add to the OP below, this is what I found from personal experience:
I also used to ask guys out, and now donāt.
1. I donāt trust men to say no. Most if not all have and will say yes either out of loneliness or flatteryāso it makes it hard to gauge actual interest
2. Nearly every time Iāve asked the guy out, the guy ends up coming on too strong on a first date (immediately talking about and asking for sex). Yet another reason for (1)
3. In conjunction with 2āthe effort on their part is nearly minimal or nonexistent. Itās like they think they are starting at third base and trying to rush to home
Pretty much all my experiences asking a guy out have been fairly negative.
While when I just reciprocate and have a guy ask me out, theyāre more typically on their best behavior, consistently show MORE interest and effort (not less), when I take more of a step back
So thatās what Iāve done. Iāve taken a step back.
I know Reddit LOVEs to talk about how much theyād like for women to ask them out. But irl it hasnāt worked that way for me
This is anecdotal, and people should do what makes them most comfortable.
But this experience is why Iām most comfortable not asking men out.
Thank you these points are exactly the reason why I no longer ask men out these are great points. I know reddit would love to spout this. Some woman might have success but from my personal experience it's always been negative as you mentioned or they use that against you. From my experience.
And by the way asking men out only works if you are 100 percent sure he likes you back.
The third point illustrates dating as a man tho! A lot of girls refuse to put in efforts in the initial dating stages and that turns me off a lot of those women lmao! It feels too one sided initially that I question if they ever like me or not!
Not anymore! If I donāt see effort on their side after one or two dates, itās off for me! Itās either Hell yes or no for me
>In conjunction with 2āthe effort on their part is nearly minimal or nonexistent. Itās like they think they are starting at third base and trying to rush to home
This is generally true when you're the active side in a dating environment. Many women still feel like guys should chase them, while they put in zero effort aside from showing up.
Agree with everything you wrote.
>I know Reddit LOVEs to talk about how much theyād like for women to ask them out. But irl it hasnāt worked that way for me
For real. I'll get downvoted, but these posts give off strong basement-dweller vibes. I think these guys need to go interact with some actual women and see how the real world works.
Because it never went anywhere for me personally or they saw me as desperate even my uncle told me the reason why guys would see me as that and that I shouldn't ask out guys anymore. Unfortunately in my case he was right the guy that I'm with now he asked me out actually we flirted a bit and I knew he was into me from the jump. So i just followed and now we are together.
Letās just say if neither the guy or gal asks either one out, someone else will move in and take away an opportunity that you could have. So, letās move it along folks.
as a woman who shot her shot at her current boyf, i approve this message! when you a baddie, a lil pressure sets you apart from the other competition! donāt be scared yāall, go and get your mans lol!
Just saying this is 100% my experience as a woman as well. I used to ask guys out a lot too. Many of them will say yes due to potential for easy sex, hoping to āstay casualā etc. meanwhile I actually want something more.
And itās why I no longer wish to pursue. If someone doesnāt ask me out I assume they donāt like me enough so fine. Iād rather have someone actually like me and want to ask me out.
Edit: to clarify in my first paragraph - I meant to say they strung me along since I was an easy way for them to get attention. I literally had one guy confess to a mutual friend that he was just keeping me around as an option/breadcrumbing me since it seemed like I liked him so much (Iād ask him to hangout 1 on 1 often for food etc). So yeah. Never again
I've never been into shy guys or shy men. The Men I've always liked made it well known that they are into me and I've always found it attractive really. I used to have really bad social anxiety but through therapy it really helped me a lot with interactiing with others and helped me attract more outgoing men.
I think your right and Iām saying it as a man
I wouldnāt do it but if a less attractive girl whoās not my type asked me out and she seemed desperate and I think I could get easy sex I would go for it and not commit but someone my type I would commit as soon as possible. I wouldnāt do that because I donāt like playing with people emotions but just breaking it down from a guy pov with guys itās mostly all about looks you could play yo he part and do everything right but if your not his type look wise you probs get replaced when heās done with you. Iām have to agree
As a guy with social anxiety who struggles to make the first move, I also feel bad about this being true.
It's not always true that if a man doesn't ask you out he's not interested, but I totally understand your point of view.
I dated my ex for 7 years because she asked me out and I can date just about any woman I want, save for a celebrity. So eh... You get what comes to you. You can do that, but it's mostly an ego-preserving reason deep down. I had to let that restriction go as a guy to open more opportunities, but still I dated the girl seriously who was bolder and asked me out.
Most guys are not going to ask out women in this day and age for fear of being designated as creepy and weird. If my dad didnāt ask out my mom and pursue her I wouldnāt be here. My dad was 5ā8 and so was my mom and if my mom had the hang up women these days have around guys needing to be 6 feet plus I wouldnāt exist. Many of us wouldnāt be around today including a lot of women.
It always surprises me how some women are so petrified at just the potential of a single rejection when most men are rejected at *literally orders of magnitude higher rates* than most women.
Women donāt even need to be clever when they try to hit on guys. Literally just showing up and saying hi and smiling will do the trick for most. Thatās all you gotta do! If heās interested, he will take it from there. If not, you go your separate ways and donāt even need to hear a direct rejection. Itās such a kush position to be in.
I get what youāre saying. Some people can be gross. But the reality is a lot of women can be rude and hurtful when you approach them respectfully too. We all have to deal with that. But at the end of the day, if youāre a man you *must* get over that and continue to pursue or else youāre very unlikely to find a partner.
I already did, most, if not all of the reasons stated are par for the course when it comes to dating, if it doesn't stop men, then why would it stop women. š¤·š¾āāļø
Totally agree. I think a lot of guys would be pleasantly surprised.
Although to give a woman's perspective, when a guy doesn't ask you out first, there is the worry of "does he really like me? If he did, he would ask me out."
I'm not saying that those thoughts are *true*, but that is what would go through some folks' minds.
I've had a guy ask me if I was desperate because I asked him out i said no I just really like him and wanted to get to know him. He just said nah I like doing the asking goodbye. And I just said that's fine and left it at that. It depends on where your from really where I'm from it's seen as desperate. It only works if the feeling is mutual and you both like each other. But now I know the signs if a guy likes me or not so I know when to not take my chances. I know people will have mixed reviews on this but not everyone is gonna have the same outcome. The only thing that ended up becoming better is when a guy did finally ask me out and we had a great time and it was a over all positive experience. My boyfriend was the one who asked and ever since then we've been together. Its not one sided or anything like that. Because when I asked whole thing was one sided or the guy didn't care to put into anymore effort. Again this is just my experience others may differ.
>there is the worry of "does he really like me? If he did, he would ask me out." I'm not saying that those thoughts are true, but that is what would go through some folks' minds.
You think men dont feel this too?
My gf says give him his favourite things. Food, drinks, small things.. and he will want you around more and you'll make him happy.. and if you stalk him you can find out all his hobbies and what he's into and do those and if all else fails get shit faced and fuck!
How common is it for guys to be actively turned off by women making the first move? I recently went out with a guy who said it was a major turn off for a women to do any chasing. He said he instantly loses attraction.
Ehh, I feel it wonāt be a good time to date someone with such a traditional mindset anyway, not for long term atleast! What if you get married and he expects you be a SAHM because of traditional views?
I made a move and threw my number in his grocery bag. (I was the cashier.)
I have terrible luck cuz that man strung me and 3 other girls along for 3 yrs.
As a woman....
IT'S 2023 GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ASS AND ASK THE GUY OUT, IF THEY SAY NO... WHO CARES ALL THESE MEN OUT HERE AND YOU'RE PINING?HUFFING AND PUFFING OVER ONE GUY WHO REJECTED YOU GET A GRIP!
If they don't want you it's their loss
Definitely agree! I'd also add that if you don't want to fully ask him out, just create the opportunity where it's really easy for him to ask you out. So start a conversation with him when your friends and his aren't around, throw him a compliment. It's not guaranteed of course, but we are often nervous to ask out women, so if you create a good opportunity where I don't have an audience, I know you're single, you seem friendly to me, increases the chances I'll go for it.
I had found out recently this girl had liked me in this group I frequent. My issue is if I get no reciprocation then I'm not gonna ask you out, because it means you're too insecure. I saw the signs, assumed 99% chance she's into me but I want to see if she can start a conversation with me at least once.
What happened is I made the connection, got her name, learned a bit about her, and left it open. From there, most people would take that and feel free to give and take. I've found that many women l expect me to start the conversation with them every time even if they know me. Otherwise, they're frozen. This girl was the same. We knew each other, but she'd just freeze up and I had to put the interaction in motion every time. I tested her on this and she failed. I didn't ask her out, which I'm fine with doing if I get a little bit back.
PSA - DON'T listen to this. Facing our fears makes us stronger as men. Being rejected hardens our egos and weeds out the those too lazy to work on themselves.
If you want to help men, then be polite when you reject them. Most women already are very kind about it.
A guy that just want to use you for sex wouldn't invest too much time on getting to know you and would give up on the dates if you delay the sex part, so use that in your favor.
The same logic applies for when they ask you out. There's no difference.
I send him a hi once totally intended to ask him out he never replied so i send him another message asking that place is his story look pretty no reply, and he used to DM me three times a day before that. So after that i never asked anyone out.
Imagine if men acted the way you act. Then no one would ever ask anyone out. Just one tiny rejection and you never ever try again lmao.
Good thing youāre blessed with the luxury of not having to pursue in order to find love, because you would be alone forever if you were a man with that mentality.
I understand that , being a man and taking rejections must be hard , i was solely taking about myself, as i don't have heart to do it again, he didn't even rejected me he ghosted me.
Sometimes in OLD I'll have someone message me first. It's always just a :)
I get a good chuckle out of that because I can only imagine how well that would work if that was my approach.
> This is also why most of us are very kind about the rejections we give, and try to give soft excuses rather than hard rejections.
No need to be so humble there, lmfao
I've asked out so many men in my life, I regret none of it. The hardest part is rejection, but once you realize someone who doesn't want to be with you isn't a good partner for lifelong happiness, it gets much easier.
Amusingly, my husband of 10 years and I met randomly using a now-defunct OK Cupid thing in which you send a random message about something you and a random person with the same interest both share. Based on that writing, you decide whether to date or not. We both count it as neither of us asking the other out first.
Absolutely! It would be nice if it werenāt just me putting myself out there because women wonāt for fear of something men (respectful ones that is) have to do in any social situation where they are interested?
Equal rights, yeah? It would be a turn on if a woman had the confidence to approach me.
this was kinda good to hear, iāve been talking to a guy for two months now and thereās flirty texting. i met his friends and theyāve teased him about me in front of him so itās pretty clearly heās into me but he hasnāt made any moves to ask me out or anything. i was wondering if heās actually into me or just sees me as a friend and this kinda cleared it for me that i should probably let him know my feelings. it sounds like men are a bit oblivious, and he told me from the beginning that heās pretty shy & introverted. heās probably just nervous to make a move on me, but iām also nervous & donāt wanna ruin what i currently have with him:/ itās nice to hear that men arenāt always going to make a move when theyāre interested bc iāve always heard that āif he wanted to, he wouldā
It can be less intimidating to invite someone out if it is not formally a date. Ask him out for lunch if you work together. If you are interested in a movie, ask if he is interested in seeing it as well. If you have two tickets to an event ask if he is also interested in the event. If you buy something from IKEA, ask for help in assembly with pay in beer and pizza. In all cases, you pay if you are inviting him. If it is not a date, there are no explicit romantic expectations but you still get to talk and relationships all develop from personal interactions. He likely will accept your invite but if he doesnāt you will not die.
iāve been asked out by a few women in my time, it was always such a relief since i had been working up the courage to do it myself. If you want to ask a guy out I say go for it, and I wish you luck! :)
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As a woman, I approve this message šš ....as an introvert, this is a freaking terrifying thought
Try clear IOIs first like making eye contact AND a smile. But an approach isnāt as difficult as it seems once you do it. Make a compliment about their appearance and just suggest the idea of grabbing coffee. The pain of regret is 100x worse than the potential minuscule pain of rejection.
That's actually very good advice, thank you! Sometimes though, I've found guys can be more "traditional" minded, and think the girl is too dominating if she makes the first move. Obviously, depends on the guy, but it's hard to judge sometimes.
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Yup, this. How a person responds is all just data you can use to decide if you want to get to know them better.
> think the girl is too dominating if she makes the first move. God help them when they find out women actually have agency over their bodies and suggest going somewhere different for a date.
That is never the case 99% of the time in real life.
I don't know a single a guy that would feel that way if a woman made a move.
Same on both statements. But itās kind of an adrenaline rush. Even if they say they have a gf, Iām like cool, now let me find a mountain to move haha.
I am confused by your comment. If they say they have a GF you still pursue them?
No. They mean that they've built up so much adrenaline from working themselves up to ask, they now need to burn it off by moving a mountain, running a marathon, etc. If the person was single and agreed to the date the adrenaline would burn off normally as an introvert pretending to be an extrovert on a date to not seem boring.
I think they just mean they need to find an outlet for all the adrenaline they have coursing through their system because asking someone out got them so wound up.
Noānot at all. But doing anything outside of my comfort zone (especially something thatās more extroverted by nature) creates a bit of a rush of adrenaline for me. So even if they say no for whatever reason, Iām still high on the adrenaline.
Introverts of the world unite in finding the courage to ask out a crush! The scariest of challenges.
As an introvert male I second this approval. It's time to end this BS social norm that says women aren't allowed to ask out a guy she likes!
āarenāt allowedā is the wrong way to put it. Itās more like they think itās beneath them and decreases their value.
As a man, imagine all the anxiety about possibly being rejected **plus** the anxiety of maybe making someone feel unsafe or harassed.
What does being an introvert have to do with that?
Because in the common vernacular introvert has become synonymous with socially anxious
An introvert can be very outgoing and talkative. What makes me an introvert is that I recharge myself by doing a solo activity afterwards. I still love crowds and loud music and noisy bars.
I agree, thatās why I said that. Because so many people say āIām an introvertā when they mean āI have anxiety when around people I donāt knowā
Exactly. Unfortunately most people don't know the difference. My goto examples anytime this comes up is late night show host Stephen Colbert and actress Emma Watson are both self-identified (even professionally identified on the show in the case of Colbert) as introverts.
People think introvert means shy.
But thereās also people who are shy who think they are introverted but arenāt just that they need to get out of their shell. I used to be so shy people thought I was introverted, I started thinking so to. Overcame my shyness and realized Iām the furthest thing from being introverted
As an introvert I read it and understand it as my vivid inner world has explored every single possible outcome a hundred times over. I tend to over analyze everything and knowing that my brain will go into overdrive analyzing everything if I asked a woman out, I didn't know, scares me. And NO I dont have social anxiety, I'm just very bad at small talk and getting to know people. I like being social and actively choose to spend the energy to be outgoing sometimes. Knowing all too well that I'll pay the price in the coming days.
As a shy male introvert... I agree! But that makes it all the more meaningful if/when a girl approaches since I know how hard it can be.
Hi friend... I am like 50/50 introverted, and it terrifies me too. Im a guy... I married the girl that decided to tell me how she feels about me. (it didnt work out after 9 years, but still... I will always remember her as the one that took a chance on me).
Thereās not such thing as 50/50 introverted as the intro/extroverted classification is about how you draw energy for social situations. If you were 50% of both you would constantly feel drained by being alone and being with people. What I think you probably mean is that youāre a social introvert with a little bit of anxiety.
Damn thatās crazy how you can be so confidently wrong while also sounding so pretentious. Ambiverts and omniverts exist and are both examples of when people can show introverted and extroverted tendencies. The 50/50 introversion isnāt like stats in a video game where itās present all the time, constantly adding or subtracting energy. You can have introverted and extroverted tendencies at different times but over the aggregate of a persons life be around 50/50.
you are probably right, but the thing is, I feel drained after socializing, but I like socializing. I LOVE being alone, but I also hate it. Hard for me to explain myself I guess.
Same but I still asked out some dudes haha. And I took the first step with kissing!
What do you think male introverts feel? Seriously.
Hey man I think you should have a look at this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbGZaGzWdfs
Hmmm.... let me think, let me think.....since "male introverts" are included under the general "introverts" genre previously mentioned... i would guess... also freaking terrified? Never said it wasnt hard for dudes too, chill out lol. Asking anyone out is like facing a charging battalion with war horses while you trot forward all alone on a shaky donkey. Its brutal.
My point is, empathy for a situation is important, and a majority of people lack that empathy. Didn't come off the greatest I'll admit.
I agree! š
We men do it all.the time you think we like to get rejected? we just have accept it and move on to the next one
Lmao dude why are your defenses up when you're not even being attacked? But not letting it get to you is a good policy, I'll try to keep it in mind. Thanks for the advice! š
Defend up? Am just saying how man doing it ,you saying it scary no shit accept reality
As an introvert. I understand. As a man, no one cares that I'm an introvert. You can still do it. It sucks more but that doesn't make it impossible.
I (26F) asked a guy out and he said yes! Weāve gone on a date and gotten dinner. He says heās an introvert and a little awkward, so I guess itās good I made a move because Iām not sure he would have! I do wish he would initiate conversations more though lol
Its probably a comfort thing. The more he gets comfy the more he will open up, and he probably will shock you with how much he wants to talk to you lol that's my guess
I hope so! I really enjoy his company and want to talk to him more, but I donāt want to scare him off. Iāve been told I can be suffocating
Aww that's so sweet! Yeah just give it time :)
Fingers crossed! I'm trying to keep it in perspective and be patient lol
Awww....this guy is low key dyingggg to be suffocated.
Yep this is true. I had a friend once tell me she thought I hated her because I barely talked, but truth be told when thereās another person I let them carry the conversation more and honestly tend to be straight answers, wait till heās comfy, youāll have great convos and most likely will explore deep topics
Well thatās the interesting thing! We have great conversations. He asks me questions and talks a good deal in person. Itās just he barely texts me first. I worry itās an out of sight, out of mind thing. But hopefully itās what youāre saying and he gets more comfy with me
why do i get the feeling that this will forever, for all eternity, be in the extreme minority
In the end who paid for the dinner?
On the first date, he paid for dinner! That evening, I paid for movie tickets and then he paid for the arcade. We werenāt planning to do two activities, but the movie sucked so we left early. We split the cost of dinner the second time. He was going to pay, but I didnāt want him to feel I was taking advantage of him.
Sounds good! How is your relationship going?
Slowly? We donāt talk every day and I usually initiate conversation. First date was right before Christmas, then he had covid for a while, and we just got dinner again last week. We have discussed doing other stuff like rock climbing, but havenāt put a date on it.
Bouldering is great fun and there's a really nice compromise between being active and time where you can get to know each other since you spend quite some time on the mat to recover for the next try. I recently had a first date at the bouldering gym and it went really well. I have been bouldering consistently (2-3 times a week) for some time and it was the first time for her, so I tried my best to help her out a bit, although the height difference made it a bit hard to really give good tips :D
That sounds like you had a really nice date! It's funny you say that, I've gone rock climbing maybe 3 times my entire life. I don't think he's gone that much, but he hikes and had climbed before. Also he's a foot taller than me, so same kind of thing here haha
Yeah it was quite cute and I'm happy that she also had fun with it, I'm seeing her again next week on Friday, although I might see if she is up for a spontaneous coffee date tomorrow if I myself have some free time :)
Just curious did you kiss during the dates? Or just had friendly conversations to get to know each other?
No kiss. He asked if he could hug me at the end of the first date and then we mutually hugged after the second dinner. Is that also a date? I feel like it counts as much as a date as the first one. Some background, we worked together for almost two years, so we've known each other in a professional and friendly setting for a while. I recently started a new job, after which I asked if he wanted to go on a date.
Hahaha, the same as mine. Hugs as always. You didn't ask him out while you worked together because you thought it was unprofessional? Why didn't he ask you out? Not sure if the second time that you went out for dinner is a date. Just see how it goes.
So we both started in the same position, but he got promoted to my manager after a few months of me working there (he had started a year ahead of me). So I didnāt think it would be a good look to ask him out even though weāre only a year apart age-wise. I assume something similar for him, if he was even thinking of me as a dating prospect. Yeah the second dinner was very last minute! I was out by our old office for a business dinner for my new job, but that got cancelled, so I messaged him about two hours prior if he wanted to get dinner since I was still out that way and I wasnāt sure if he was in office. He was teleworking, but drove over to meet me. It was all very impromptu
Hey I enjoyed reading your stories, I'm really happy for you that it's going well! That sounds like a really nice outcome to you asking him out anyway. I hope it continues to go well and that you can take it at a good pace or be okay with it if it does go slow! Your comments initually caught my eye because I recently asked out a former co-worker too. I think he had no idea I was interested in him, he seemed pleasantly surprised that I was asking him out! We had two really enjoyable dates, there was definitely mutual attraction, but then he told me he couldn't see me any more without giving a clear reason. I imagine it was because I'm moving away really soon and he realized that it couldn't go anywhere very easily, so it was just easier to stop while he was ahead so to speak. I can't blame him one bit for that (though ideally he would have explained himself, but he's just a kind of guarded person). I knew when I first asked him out that it would probably not go anywhere either, but he was just such a cool person and I wanted to spend time with him. I'm so glad I got to have those dates with him even if we don't talk again.
What movie was it
Babylon. Terrible first date material. Terrible movie in general, going off the 30 minutes we watched lol
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One girl that I randomly DM'd sometimes on insta decided to get my number... then she would start texting me often. She would text me once a week, if not more "hey, how are you?"... I feel like she got the idea that I am not interested, because she stopped after a month or two. I felt bad for ever DM'ing her on insta, because I wasnt interested... I just wanted to comment on some things she would post. I wonder if she was hoping for me to ask her out or something.
Totally she is
Yeah us men are kind of oblivious. At least the straight ones. Frequently, when my girlfriend and I go out with friends itās to a gay bar. And she loves to laugh at the end of the night at the amount of gay men who crane their neck to check me out. I never notice a thing. (I fit a type in the gay community for sure. Iām chubby with muscles and a firefighter type mustache. Iām not oblivious to the fact that gay men find me attractive. I just never notice them checking me out.)
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Iām the same way with gay women. Mostly because Iāve had a lot of gay women approach me. lol I think because I have a mean look/intimidating maybe rbf, that drives men away, so they assume I must be gay as well.
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I get this, I'm the same way. Easy to recognize something I'm familiar with I guess
I, a lady, have had a 100% success rate of asking men out in person. I even married one of them. Highly recommend.
Solid advise. It's 2023, and dating isn't the same as it was before 2000. The "traditional" way to do things is outdated. It shouldn't matter if you're a man or woman. If you like someone, ask them out. Worst that's gonna happen is they say no, best that can happen is you either make a new friend or something more. Rejection sucks but it is better to know than constantly wonder.
Based opinion
Guys get flirted with all the time by girls who think itās all in good fun. We ask the girl out, she acts horrified or embarrassed, we feel stupid, and society just expects us to relive this cruel joke over and over again until we find one that likes us. And if that doesnāt work out, we repeat the process again. Ladies, if you like a man just tell him. If he sees you flirting with other people, even once, heās going to decide that heās just another guy youāre having fun with and wonāt put himself out there. Just sayinā. As long as this is the system, you get what you get.
unfortuneately, i don't see this ever changing
THANK YOU. God those posts are getting annoying.
It's fucking hot when a girl makes the move
shoot your shot !
The only thing i wanna say about this, and yall not gonna like it, us women we wont fuck someone we dont like just to fuck. But many men will fuck you even if they dont like you fr. So if you make yourself avail to them just make sure they match your energy Thats why u hear men say stuff like sex is like pizza even if its bad its still pizza. Jussssst sayin
Exactly š A woman asking out a man is more likely to get a āyesā - but mostly just for a shot at easy sex or curiosity. As a woman looking for romance, courtship and commitment, that avenue has never worked for me š¤·āāļø
But.. isnāt it the same thing if a man you are attracted to asks you out too? You gotta judge either way if heās in it for the long term or loooking for just short term sex right?
The trick. ladies, is to let this guy, man, think HE is the one who initiates. So, be and stay around him. When he looks at you, smile. Be easy approchable. Ask him something you think he knows an answer on it and or start a conversation about anything, like the music in that bar. Or the trafic on that place. The weather today, yesterday and last week and ... When he gets some confidence (stay nice and with a smile to him) and he asks something to do or to be together, do it, accept it. Complain about your bike, the chain too long. At least when you think he knows how to fix things like this. Together it must succeed. You can thank him for his great help by inviting him to your famous pancake or cappuccino at your place. Or something else. Be creative !! Good luck! The funniest thing I ever experienced was a woman which I just knew from a distance who asked me to fix a very little thing in her place. Then she said she invited 3 female friends for the night but they called they would not come, and now she had a problem, she had 3 steaks and no fridge too much (student around 1960 -1965) Look, that are the problems I love to solve ... And from food we came to other primary needs (look at Maslow hierarchy of needs)
Me either
Yup Iāve experienced this as well as a woman.
YEp! Taken men will just say yes too
I definitely know women who have and will fuck guys they donāt like just to have sex. It may not be as common as with men but it still happens often.
Bc the dude is supa hot .in which case its different many men are down for just a hookup. What man is gonna go oh no she fucked me coz im hot not bc she likes my personality. Woman will be more hurt if she realizes hes fucking her just coz he sees her as a hole & not coz hes rlly feeling her when she wants something more But a man will fuck u whether he thinks youre attractive or not. And if youre a woman approaching a guy to ask for a relationship i just think its worth considering that if he doesnt show the same energy its coz hes only there for the free punani If u approach a guy and youre down w it just being physical then obviously it doesnt apply to that situation thats not the situation i meant
Most men will not fuck a woman they find unattractive lmao, itās just the men that will try to do it a lot. > What man is gonna go oh no she fucked me coz im hot not bc she likes my personality. Probably a guy that actually liked her and wanted something more lmao?
This is it ā Iām a very confident, forthright person. But all thatās ever gotten me in dating is relationships with guys who are just not that into me but kept up the bare minimum to keep having sex.
Never heard anything more accurate in my life
Yuuuup a lot of people in this thread aren't taking this into account there are a lot of crappy men you gotta go through to get to the good ones unfortunately. But learning these motives will be a good idea. ( by the way you gotta go through a lot of crappy woman as well and I've met them! ) but finding a long term partner has never been easy for both genders.
Hate to be bearer of bad news, but men REALLY need to stop hoping that a woman will approach them and ask them out. Most women are naturally passive so even though you are reading comments here on this thread from women saying that they "approve this message" or "they will try it out", very good chances that they will NOT be the ones approaching men ever. Men... if you see a woman and you are intrigued by her... go up to her and talk to her. Yes, you need to stop twiddling your fingers and leaning against the wall at the club. Go after what you want.
You make it sound so easy. I don't know what to say to them.
The point OP is making is that women should STOP being passive. You canāt complain or whine that you arenāt getting what you want when you just sit there and expect it to *poof*, randomly appear. That goes for all things in life, including dating. And yes, even if youāre a woman.
Women donāt *need* to go after men, so they wonāt. Women get hit on enough just day to day. They donāt need to ask someone out to āshoot their shot.ā Either their shots line themselves up, or theyāre not in line.
That may be true, but there some woman I know who complain like āwhy isnāt anyone asking me out? I put so much effort into dressing up and looking beautiful?ā. In such scenarios, they should just go for it instead of constantly stare at guys and make them feel uncomfortable
True or put themselves out there more like a dating app or just going to more places, make friends, or just focus on themselves while theyāre single. People shouldnāt be so desperate for a relationship anyway
That's fine with me. I'd rather be alone that put myself through the dehumanizing rat race of modern dating. >something about approaching women at a club Why would you look for anything besides a ONS at a club?
i pretty much never hit on anyone in public when i was single bc āØanxietyāØbut when i *did* my go-to was giving their coworker a piece of paper with my number on it before i leave. it makes it far less awkward for all parties involved and makes it easier for the other person to reject you if theyāre uncomfortable.
Honestly as a guy, a girl wouldn't have to ask me out. Simply saying hi is more than plenty. We get ignored a lot when we try (at least me). Basically antagonism from other girls for trying wears on you a little and influences you trying again on other girls.
Wtf an actually good post.
The issue isnāt that, itās just that I feel every time Iāve done that, itās resulted in the guy not being as interested in me. My best relationships were the ones where the guy approached me first
Disagree. Sure, we can all do it in a literal sense. The reality is, it is not advantageous to us 85% of the time:. Why? The guy may say yes without real, true intent of wanting a relationship with you. They will view you as easy (again, not 100% of the time, but most).
The guy may also go out on dates and jump through the hoops pretending to want something long term to have sex.
Of course, mainly talking about a greater chance that x than y. Anything is possible on both ends of the spectrum.
If the woman is doing the asking it also serves to reason she could ask someone she has met before, gotten to know and have a reasonable sense of who they are and what they are looking for. Men who are more forward are more likely to be after sex versus a relationship, where men you get to know and have genuine interest in, hopefully are more interested in relationships. If not you may want to re-examine your process.
But.. isnāt it the same thing if a man you are attracted to asks you out too? You gotta judge either way if heās in it for the long term or loooking for just short term sex right?
I've done this but I don't ask out anymore I just flirt and if he reciprocated we can go from there I can tell how when a guy likes me or doesn't. I used to ask out guys in the past and I no longer do that anymore.
Why not?
I've mentioned it in the comments above but my uncle was the one who sat me down and explained to me why guys see it as desperate and things like that at least where I'm from. He was right though years later I met a guy and he asked me out ( of course after we got to know each other) my uncle said I needed to meet someone who is bold and a go getter someone who was like me who's sees what be wants and knows it. My boyfriend is exactly that he was never a shy person got along with everyone and extremely outgoing so when he saw me he knew what he wanted. The guys that I asked out did bare minimum and didn't really appreciate me at all as a person and just tossed me side. Which im fine I've gotten rejected a bunch of times by men both harshly and terribly even had a guy throw a pencil at me and steal my books mutiple times in my case they used it against me especially when I was in school. But anyways for me my boyfriend was the one that asked me out and he is very intentive and puts a lot of thought in things that I like or even some things he knows I don't like.
To add to the OP below, this is what I found from personal experience: I also used to ask guys out, and now donāt. 1. I donāt trust men to say no. Most if not all have and will say yes either out of loneliness or flatteryāso it makes it hard to gauge actual interest 2. Nearly every time Iāve asked the guy out, the guy ends up coming on too strong on a first date (immediately talking about and asking for sex). Yet another reason for (1) 3. In conjunction with 2āthe effort on their part is nearly minimal or nonexistent. Itās like they think they are starting at third base and trying to rush to home Pretty much all my experiences asking a guy out have been fairly negative. While when I just reciprocate and have a guy ask me out, theyāre more typically on their best behavior, consistently show MORE interest and effort (not less), when I take more of a step back So thatās what Iāve done. Iāve taken a step back. I know Reddit LOVEs to talk about how much theyād like for women to ask them out. But irl it hasnāt worked that way for me This is anecdotal, and people should do what makes them most comfortable. But this experience is why Iām most comfortable not asking men out.
Thank you these points are exactly the reason why I no longer ask men out these are great points. I know reddit would love to spout this. Some woman might have success but from my personal experience it's always been negative as you mentioned or they use that against you. From my experience. And by the way asking men out only works if you are 100 percent sure he likes you back.
The third point illustrates dating as a man tho! A lot of girls refuse to put in efforts in the initial dating stages and that turns me off a lot of those women lmao! It feels too one sided initially that I question if they ever like me or not! Not anymore! If I donāt see effort on their side after one or two dates, itās off for me! Itās either Hell yes or no for me
>In conjunction with 2āthe effort on their part is nearly minimal or nonexistent. Itās like they think they are starting at third base and trying to rush to home This is generally true when you're the active side in a dating environment. Many women still feel like guys should chase them, while they put in zero effort aside from showing up.
Absolutely agree and had the same experiences when I used to ask guys out too. I just wonāt anymore for those reasons.
Agree with everything you wrote. >I know Reddit LOVEs to talk about how much theyād like for women to ask them out. But irl it hasnāt worked that way for me For real. I'll get downvoted, but these posts give off strong basement-dweller vibes. I think these guys need to go interact with some actual women and see how the real world works.
Never be afraid of getting downvoted honestly. It happens on here all the time.
*shares judgement comment* "Hmm, methinks people will not take kindly to my judgemental comment"
Lol! Got downvoted just do that comment
Why not?
Because it never went anywhere for me personally or they saw me as desperate even my uncle told me the reason why guys would see me as that and that I shouldn't ask out guys anymore. Unfortunately in my case he was right the guy that I'm with now he asked me out actually we flirted a bit and I knew he was into me from the jump. So i just followed and now we are together.
Just ask the guy out, the worse they could say is no... Plus most of the times single guys say yes unless they're scared and afraid
Letās just say if neither the guy or gal asks either one out, someone else will move in and take away an opportunity that you could have. So, letās move it along folks.
as a woman who shot her shot at her current boyf, i approve this message! when you a baddie, a lil pressure sets you apart from the other competition! donāt be scared yāall, go and get your mans lol!
If he wanted to ask you out, he would.
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Ngl this is as harsh as it is accurate.
Just saying this is 100% my experience as a woman as well. I used to ask guys out a lot too. Many of them will say yes due to potential for easy sex, hoping to āstay casualā etc. meanwhile I actually want something more. And itās why I no longer wish to pursue. If someone doesnāt ask me out I assume they donāt like me enough so fine. Iād rather have someone actually like me and want to ask me out. Edit: to clarify in my first paragraph - I meant to say they strung me along since I was an easy way for them to get attention. I literally had one guy confess to a mutual friend that he was just keeping me around as an option/breadcrumbing me since it seemed like I liked him so much (Iād ask him to hangout 1 on 1 often for food etc). So yeah. Never again
I've never been into shy guys or shy men. The Men I've always liked made it well known that they are into me and I've always found it attractive really. I used to have really bad social anxiety but through therapy it really helped me a lot with interactiing with others and helped me attract more outgoing men.
I think your right and Iām saying it as a man I wouldnāt do it but if a less attractive girl whoās not my type asked me out and she seemed desperate and I think I could get easy sex I would go for it and not commit but someone my type I would commit as soon as possible. I wouldnāt do that because I donāt like playing with people emotions but just breaking it down from a guy pov with guys itās mostly all about looks you could play yo he part and do everything right but if your not his type look wise you probs get replaced when heās done with you. Iām have to agree
As a guy with social anxiety who struggles to make the first move, I also feel bad about this being true. It's not always true that if a man doesn't ask you out he's not interested, but I totally understand your point of view.
I dated my ex for 7 years because she asked me out and I can date just about any woman I want, save for a celebrity. So eh... You get what comes to you. You can do that, but it's mostly an ego-preserving reason deep down. I had to let that restriction go as a guy to open more opportunities, but still I dated the girl seriously who was bolder and asked me out.
Most guys are not going to ask out women in this day and age for fear of being designated as creepy and weird. If my dad didnāt ask out my mom and pursue her I wouldnāt be here. My dad was 5ā8 and so was my mom and if my mom had the hang up women these days have around guys needing to be 6 feet plus I wouldnāt exist. Many of us wouldnāt be around today including a lot of women.
It always surprises me how some women are so petrified at just the potential of a single rejection when most men are rejected at *literally orders of magnitude higher rates* than most women. Women donāt even need to be clever when they try to hit on guys. Literally just showing up and saying hi and smiling will do the trick for most. Thatās all you gotta do! If heās interested, he will take it from there. If not, you go your separate ways and donāt even need to hear a direct rejection. Itās such a kush position to be in.
It's not the rejection that bothered me it's what they did afterwards that bothered me.
I get what youāre saying. Some people can be gross. But the reality is a lot of women can be rude and hurtful when you approach them respectfully too. We all have to deal with that. But at the end of the day, if youāre a man you *must* get over that and continue to pursue or else youāre very unlikely to find a partner.
They can't handle rejection so they stick to outdated dating norms because it's convenient fort them.
Nope it's not that there's plenty of reasons besides this read the thread you will see.
I already did, most, if not all of the reasons stated are par for the course when it comes to dating, if it doesn't stop men, then why would it stop women. š¤·š¾āāļø
Damn this is so true
Someone had to say it
It gets said on a daily basis.
Exactly lmfao
Keep saying it. A lot haven't gotten the message yet.
Haha right
Totally agree. I think a lot of guys would be pleasantly surprised. Although to give a woman's perspective, when a guy doesn't ask you out first, there is the worry of "does he really like me? If he did, he would ask me out." I'm not saying that those thoughts are *true*, but that is what would go through some folks' minds.
And you think that doesnāt go through a guys head thinking: āShe could ask me out and if she actually likes me she wouldā?
Not form the guys I've asked out a lot of then seen me as desperate.
Did they said that or are you supposing it?
I've had a guy ask me if I was desperate because I asked him out i said no I just really like him and wanted to get to know him. He just said nah I like doing the asking goodbye. And I just said that's fine and left it at that. It depends on where your from really where I'm from it's seen as desperate. It only works if the feeling is mutual and you both like each other. But now I know the signs if a guy likes me or not so I know when to not take my chances. I know people will have mixed reviews on this but not everyone is gonna have the same outcome. The only thing that ended up becoming better is when a guy did finally ask me out and we had a great time and it was a over all positive experience. My boyfriend was the one who asked and ever since then we've been together. Its not one sided or anything like that. Because when I asked whole thing was one sided or the guy didn't care to put into anymore effort. Again this is just my experience others may differ.
>there is the worry of "does he really like me? If he did, he would ask me out." I'm not saying that those thoughts are true, but that is what would go through some folks' minds. You think men dont feel this too?
My gf says give him his favourite things. Food, drinks, small things.. and he will want you around more and you'll make him happy.. and if you stalk him you can find out all his hobbies and what he's into and do those and if all else fails get shit faced and fuck!
When i made the first move i had to do the 2nd and the 3d. Most guys might not like but will still tag along and it will be a waste of time
How common is it for guys to be actively turned off by women making the first move? I recently went out with a guy who said it was a major turn off for a women to do any chasing. He said he instantly loses attraction.
Ehh, I feel it wonāt be a good time to date someone with such a traditional mindset anyway, not for long term atleast! What if you get married and he expects you be a SAHM because of traditional views?
We do and we get rejected as often. For all the reasons men don't want ask someone out so do women. So I hope you are giving this advice to men too
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Big š§¢ lol
Stop the š§¢
yeah that's true and all, but most women want a guy with confidence, especially the confidence to make a move
She doesnāt have to ask me out. She can come flirt with me for a bit, and Iāll handle the rest.
No sorry thats not my Kind of stuff, i like When guys ask me out and I will stick to my standard.
I've asked out everyone I've ever dated, I don't think I've ever had a man approach me really. So this is just how I already operate lol
Username checks out, shoutout to you, we need more women like you! šš¾
I think a lot of women ask people out, it's very frowned upon in society still.
I made a move and threw my number in his grocery bag. (I was the cashier.) I have terrible luck cuz that man strung me and 3 other girls along for 3 yrs.
As a woman.... IT'S 2023 GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ASS AND ASK THE GUY OUT, IF THEY SAY NO... WHO CARES ALL THESE MEN OUT HERE AND YOU'RE PINING?HUFFING AND PUFFING OVER ONE GUY WHO REJECTED YOU GET A GRIP! If they don't want you it's their loss
Definitely agree! I'd also add that if you don't want to fully ask him out, just create the opportunity where it's really easy for him to ask you out. So start a conversation with him when your friends and his aren't around, throw him a compliment. It's not guaranteed of course, but we are often nervous to ask out women, so if you create a good opportunity where I don't have an audience, I know you're single, you seem friendly to me, increases the chances I'll go for it.
I had found out recently this girl had liked me in this group I frequent. My issue is if I get no reciprocation then I'm not gonna ask you out, because it means you're too insecure. I saw the signs, assumed 99% chance she's into me but I want to see if she can start a conversation with me at least once. What happened is I made the connection, got her name, learned a bit about her, and left it open. From there, most people would take that and feel free to give and take. I've found that many women l expect me to start the conversation with them every time even if they know me. Otherwise, they're frozen. This girl was the same. We knew each other, but she'd just freeze up and I had to put the interaction in motion every time. I tested her on this and she failed. I didn't ask her out, which I'm fine with doing if I get a little bit back.
PSA - DON'T listen to this. Facing our fears makes us stronger as men. Being rejected hardens our egos and weeds out the those too lazy to work on themselves. If you want to help men, then be polite when you reject them. Most women already are very kind about it.
Yikes dude
The worse thing that can happen is he says no. Ok, next! There will be a guy that youāre into that wonāt say no.
The worst thing he can do is say yes, use you for sex, then throw you away when a girl he likes comes along.
A guy that just want to use you for sex wouldn't invest too much time on getting to know you and would give up on the dates if you delay the sex part, so use that in your favor. The same logic applies for when they ask you out. There's no difference.
Might be best just not to date at all in that case huh?
What if he's super shy like doesn't look anyone in the eye and hes at your school
I send him a hi once totally intended to ask him out he never replied so i send him another message asking that place is his story look pretty no reply, and he used to DM me three times a day before that. So after that i never asked anyone out.
Let me get this straight: after not asking somebody out, you decided to never ask anyone out again? Okay.
Imagine if men acted the way you act. Then no one would ever ask anyone out. Just one tiny rejection and you never ever try again lmao. Good thing youāre blessed with the luxury of not having to pursue in order to find love, because you would be alone forever if you were a man with that mentality.
I understand that , being a man and taking rejections must be hard , i was solely taking about myself, as i don't have heart to do it again, he didn't even rejected me he ghosted me.
I hear you. I guess my response would just be to repeat my comment, especially the second part.
Sometimes in OLD I'll have someone message me first. It's always just a :) I get a good chuckle out of that because I can only imagine how well that would work if that was my approach.
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And that son, is how I met your mother
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> This is also why most of us are very kind about the rejections we give, and try to give soft excuses rather than hard rejections. No need to be so humble there, lmfao
I've asked out so many men in my life, I regret none of it. The hardest part is rejection, but once you realize someone who doesn't want to be with you isn't a good partner for lifelong happiness, it gets much easier. Amusingly, my husband of 10 years and I met randomly using a now-defunct OK Cupid thing in which you send a random message about something you and a random person with the same interest both share. Based on that writing, you decide whether to date or not. We both count it as neither of us asking the other out first.
Absolutely! It would be nice if it werenāt just me putting myself out there because women wonāt for fear of something men (respectful ones that is) have to do in any social situation where they are interested? Equal rights, yeah? It would be a turn on if a woman had the confidence to approach me.
this was kinda good to hear, iāve been talking to a guy for two months now and thereās flirty texting. i met his friends and theyāve teased him about me in front of him so itās pretty clearly heās into me but he hasnāt made any moves to ask me out or anything. i was wondering if heās actually into me or just sees me as a friend and this kinda cleared it for me that i should probably let him know my feelings. it sounds like men are a bit oblivious, and he told me from the beginning that heās pretty shy & introverted. heās probably just nervous to make a move on me, but iām also nervous & donāt wanna ruin what i currently have with him:/ itās nice to hear that men arenāt always going to make a move when theyāre interested bc iāve always heard that āif he wanted to, he wouldā
It can be less intimidating to invite someone out if it is not formally a date. Ask him out for lunch if you work together. If you are interested in a movie, ask if he is interested in seeing it as well. If you have two tickets to an event ask if he is also interested in the event. If you buy something from IKEA, ask for help in assembly with pay in beer and pizza. In all cases, you pay if you are inviting him. If it is not a date, there are no explicit romantic expectations but you still get to talk and relationships all develop from personal interactions. He likely will accept your invite but if he doesnāt you will not die.
iāve been asked out by a few women in my time, it was always such a relief since i had been working up the courage to do it myself. If you want to ask a guy out I say go for it, and I wish you luck! :)
As women if you ask a guy out I can sure for a 100% certain he will find you more attractive
Amen!!!
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE WOMEN IM THE BACK!
I don't have a guy I like at all and I'm pretty sure as far as I am aware no guy likes me
Only two girls asked me out in my life, it's extremely rare...